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My Roommate Is a Demon

So I summoned a demon from the pits of hell...now I have to live with him for the next millennia.

Ugh. I totally have the worst roommate ever. I don't care if your cousin's friend's hairdresser once had a roommate that ended up being a serial killer. My situation is totally worse. I'm sure you are probably thinking, how on earth could this girl's situation be worse? She is totally such a drama queen. Well it fucking is okay? And you better listen to my story or I swear to god I'LL FUCKING POP A—

Damn. Fred just made me stop that line there. What a shit. He's like a dictator—controlling what I say and do. Leighton has become concerned about me. She says I'm becoming more aggressive. Maybe I am different. People change. It's not every day you see your friend's heart get ripped out of her ribcage.

I'm glad we are in the clear now. I feel better already. ANYWAY, in case you didn't hear about my adventures with Leighton and Abby, our lives got turned upside down because of a completely unfair misunderstanding. I can imagine you frowning a bit now, thinking to yourself, hmmm Elizabeth, don't you think that calling it a misunderstanding is an understatement?

Fair enough. So I summoned a demon. Yes, I was totally hoping that a sexy incubus or two would answer the call, but beggars can't be choosers. We originally want to summon beelzelbub, and we got Fred instead. I don't really remember why we did it. I can't say I really knew what to expect. I guess I expected it would be more exciting. Maybe things would have been better if the leopard costume had been left at home; hidden from the outside world. It's not like it was a kink of mine or anything, although I totally did joke to Fred that he was kink-shaming by hating on leopard costumes. He was so not amused. He just stared at me for a moment and his eyes turned all red. I covered my ears, expecting him to rupture my last good ear drum, but his shriek did not pierce through the air. Instead, he stared at me with a dead pan expression and muttered, "I'm going to eat your soul."

Living with a demon is rough. Do you have any idea how hard it is to scrub blood out of a linoleum floor? The other day I came home from work and found Fred eating some chick he picked up at the club. No. Not in that way. I'm sure your thinking now, hey, c'mon you're the one with the dirty mind, not me. Yes, I am the one writing this, but that does not mean that I am the one with the dirty mind here. Don't you go pulling weird mind tricks on me, reader. I'm watching you (calm down, I'm not actually watching you).

ANYHOW, so he had this chick on the floor, bleeding out. He had the nerve to just let her blood spill out everywhere. I'm sure you're thinking, hey, at least it wasn't on the carpet, or maybe even, WHY AREN'T YOU FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS?! YOU'RE NOT NORMAL. NORMAL PEOPLE FREAK OUT AND RUN AWAY WHEN THEIR ROOMMATE DEVOURS A CORPSE.

Calm down, okay? If you were with me now, I'd totally pour some vodka shots for the two of us. We'd have some girl talk and discuss the dramatic life that I have had since Fred moved in. I bet it would be more entertaining than any reality show that is currently on network television. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, BIG BROTHER. Since you are not with me, reader, please feel free to pour a shot (or drink) of whatever you want. I'll be drinking for the two of us either way.

So it turned out that he wasn't actually eating her. I'm sure you're thinking, Geez Elizabeth, have you been lying to us this entire time? Is anything that you have told us actually true? I can assure you that it is. Fred ate the club girl's heart and soul.

I guess the difference between Abby and the chick on the floor was that Abby never lost her soul. Fred explained it to us once. He said something about how if he were to devour the souls of mortals who have summoned him, that they would become their own conscious entity within him for eternity. Pretty cool right? We could totally party all the time, and imagine how much money we could save on alcohol if we all shared the same body. Leighton did not agree with me on it being cool.

Something in me is definitely changing. I had to use all my strength to not scream at her and call her a total bitch. She grumbled about how much she HATES venti drinks from Starbucks, vodka shots, and Fred. The fucking nerve of her. She's been talking about how she wants to be friends with Clarissa again...I totally can't see how that can happen, considering we doused her car in nitroglycerin. Maybe if we had doused it in battery acid, but definitely not nitroglycerin. Also, AGAIN?! Since when was she ever friends with that bitch? I swear to god, if she's been lying to me....

I thought the girl was dead. I mean, who doesn't die when they have both their heart and soul devoured? It could almost be a love story, if it weren't for the fact that she most certainly did not give Fred her heart and soul on her own accord. Even with all that, a part of me can't help but feel like it's a little bit romantic. I can imagine you're not agreeing with me, but that’s okay. We can agree to disagree. Please don't be afraid of me. I'm normal, I swear. Normal girls can find weird things romantic.

Fred was so inconsiderate. He left the body on the floor and I didn't find out until the next morning when I almost slipped in a pool of blood because she grabbed my ankle. How inconsiderate. God. Even I don't do that shit when I'm wasted. Couldn't she have got my attention normally? Who pretends to be dead and then grabs someone’s ankle? That’s so not cool.

I practically screamed when she grabbed my ankle. Okay, I did scream. How could I not? I was sure she was dead. To my shock, she steadied herself by grabbing onto my leg and walked over to the kitchen table and sat down. She then asked me for bacon and eggs. BACON AND EGGS! She was acting like it was a totally normal occurrence to go home with a guy from the club, have him eat your heart, and rise from the dead like it's totally nothing. I guess I should consider myself lucky that she didn't claim to be some sort of god or anything...could you imagine that? A demon AND a god living in the same flat? Now THAT would be too much drama. I'm sure you're thinking, Really? Too much drama for you? You, of all people?

Anyhow, as I was frying up the bacon, Leighton and Fred came into the room. Leighton shrieked when she saw the girl. Fred grumbled about how we never saw him shriek when he didn't approve of our choices of men to bring home. It's totally not the same, but I kinda get it.

I’ve found that my mind has still been all jumbled, but things are slowly starting to come into place. At first, I was SO not okay with living with Fred. I mean, he did rupture my eardrum and say that he wants to eat my soul. It's not like I have anything to worry about. He's not going to eat my soul. Okay, maybe Leighton's, but definitely not MY soul.

There was also that one time I brought home this guy, Derrick was his name. Things were getting hot and heavy and Fred stormed into the bedroom and flung him against the wall. At first, I was all like, "Damn Fred, are you gonna fuck him too?" But nooo, he wouldn't let me have my fun. He was NOT happy with my joke. He even killed the guy to prove his point. I totally teased him about how a threesome wasn't going be happening with us ANY TIME soon if he kept killing my dates. I guess you could say I'm bold. Maybe it’s something that happens to you when you summon a demon.

I've got to talk to Fred about this new girl. If she is going to be another roommate, we've got to put down some ground rules. 

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My Roommate Is a Demon
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