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Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'They're Watching' (2016)

'The Hills Have Eyes: Europe'

I'm gonna file this one under good-bad movies. It's supposed to be a horror comedy of sorts, but like Stung from my last review, it’s more like a horror movie with comedy elements. This, however, was not good horror, even for crappy B horror. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the intentional hokey nature, and I'm glad the ending was pretty cheese-ball. But let’s not beat around the bush, this movie was awful, and they knew it was, so they decided to just have fun with it. And you know what? Good for them! This move would have sucked if they tried to take it seriously.

Honestly, the only bad parts were the scenes where they had to take it seriously. I mean, honestly, in a movie like this, I could give a fuck what the character's backstories are. I’d just paint them with one-dimensional tropes and leave it at that. I don't give a damn about the one guy’s experience in Afghanistan. I don't care that the female lead went to film school. Just set everyone up like the wannabe Seth Green motherfucker, and let it roll. This movie was perfectly set up for a cast of tropes.

The whole shaky camera thing wasn't too obnoxious either. They actually managed to keep the fucking camera steady like... Iduhfuckenknow... professionals or some shit... *long hard stare at the horror industry with a subtle shake of the head*

The acting was actually pretty good. Atmosphere was spot on. They really gave you The Hills Have Eyes sense of backwater depravity. Story was fan-fucking-tastic. I mean, House Hunters International: Maldovia? You just can't beat that shit right there. Actually, where they went with the story was kinda impressive for a bad movie.

SPOILERS!!!

I wanna know how conversations between the writer and director duo took place. I imagine they were like:

"Are we seriously gonna have that one chick be a witch at the end?"

"No balls motherfucker, we HAVE to have her be an actual witch."

Good for you two, pull out all the fucking stops.

So yeah, you spend the whole fucking movie thinking the Maldovia natives are just a bunch of braindead, superstitious hillbillies. Turns out they're actually right. The lady who bought the house off the House Hunters crew actually turns out to be a witch.

But they were dropping subtle hints the whole time. Like the fact that the back of the barn looked like it was charring, or the fact that the one camera girls found the remnants of the original burning stake, or the fact that there were subtle flashes of stuff in the wine cellar. But you got to admit, that shit must have been one hell of a conversation between the two writer/directors. I can see them both cackling like school children, making fart noises.

Their F/X budget sucked too and you could tell they just didn't fucking care. The one guy getting jumped by CGI frogs had me nearly rolling on the ground.

One thing I was thinking to myself though: Once they figured out that the one chick was actually a witch, why the fuck did they care? The "witch's" boyfriend was cheating on her and he was clearly a douchebag. The villagers were kinda crappy to the crew, and they had a history of burning woman alive for no reason. Not to mention the witch killed their asshole boss who was sorta asking for it anyway. I'd have been like, "Yeah, screw these sheep fucking hill people."

I'm kinda glad the movie ended the way it did with that Seth Green wannabe motherfucker filming for the witch. Awesome shit! Yeah, I'd give this one my recommendation.

Reed Alexander
Reed Alexander

The world is one marvelous catastrophe waiting to happen. When humanity is long gone, I hope my work is found by intergalactic explores so they can learn about the great failed experiment called human society (a sort of "I told you so").

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Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'They're Watching' (2016)
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