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Seven Plagues

A Story

By Sara KenneyPublished 5 years ago 9 min read
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“Well, well, well, we meet again.”

“Good day Lucifer, how have you been?”

“Just fucking dandy, a little burnt, but what else is new.”

“What do I owe this pleasure?”

“Bored and was wondering if you wanted to have a little, I don't know, a friendly bet.”

“Do you remember last time?”

“Yeah, yeah, but...I think I can win this time. I have the best contestant, not like Job, that was a sneaky move.”

“Okay I’ll bite, what are the rules?”

“One week. If his sins overcome him, his and all the other corrupt souls go straight to me, no more ‘I can save you’ shit.”

“And when I win?”

“IF you win, I’ll be out of your hair for sometime.”

“Should we shake on it?”

***

Edwin Newman is the perfect example of a dick. If it doesn't have to do with him then he can give two shits. As a self-absorbed prick, Edwin takes pride in his looks, car, and girlfriend. Everything had to be the best of the best. No matter what he has plan it takes him, on average, three hours to get ready, even if he was spending the day in bed. Not a hair out of place nor a scratch on his car, everything had to be spot on. After he got himself ready in the morning, he would give his car a spa day. From washing to waxing, nothing is to tedious for his baby. Same goes for his girlfriend who won “Most likely to become a model” their senior year of high school. Harley Hudson, not a model, but a daycare worker, is showered with gifts. Edwin’s expensive taste is funded from managing a family own electronic store. He makes sure his queen is a good reflection of himself. Blue box jewelry, mani-pedis weekly, and an extensive wardrobe insured that Harley would be the model he asked out in high school two years ago. Their relationship is... okay. Edwin wasn’t the man Harley thought she fell in love with, but he treated her good, for the most part at least. All he cares about it making sure she keeps up on her appearance, doesn’t talk to any other guys, and fucks him on a daily basis. If things get out of line he gets a little irritated and throws a hissy fit.

Sunday. Edwin woke up startled. His realistic dream caused him distress. God, or at least the voice in his dream, spoke to him, telling him about all the wrongs and distractions in his life.

Edwin my son, you let temptations rule your life for too long and need to let go so you can live in my image. Dream Edwin ignored God. Let your sins you choose to worship take over your life. In my will it is done.

Edwin woke up startled and hard. God was pushed out of Edwin’s mind by Harley’s image. He mentally ran his hand down her body as his actual hand ran down his blue pajama bottoms. He pulled and tugged till the urge was gone, but shortly after it came back again. Edwin didn’t question it, instead he just gave Harley a ring.

“Edwin, I can’t come over. I’m on my way to church and then I have to set up a bulletin board and then bake fifty-some cupcakes for the bake sale and…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.” After hanging up the phone he texted Brittany Snow, his side bitch, but she was spending the day with her husband. He wasn’t giving up yet and opened his dating app, which was commonly used for quick hook ups. After swiping and finding a match, the stranger showed up to his place where they quickly got it on with the Sultry Saddle, Speed Bump, and Edge of Heaven. They cleaned up and he kicked her out before he was ready for round two so he opened the app and found another lady friend. Then another. Then another. And two more at the same time. Mentally drained, Edwin’s body was surprising not tired. It wasn’t till midnight that Edwin was relieved from his sexual urges and was able to rest.

Monday. I need food. Edwin’s stomach ache and he ran into the kitchen. He shoved protein bars and shakes into his mouth, but nothing stopped the pain. He had to go against one of his ten commandments, “Shall not consume grease, fat, nor any fast food.” Edwin stopped at the first burger place near his home. “A large number five. Chicken nuggets. Diet coke.” Edwin gobbled the food down, as if it was his first meal. Nothing. He was still starving and drove to the next burger place and then a taco truck next to it. The amount of receipts and food wrappers that filled the passenger seat was disgusting to Edwin. He wept as he wiped ketchup from his shirt with a fry and ate it. I’m a fat piece of shit. Edwin slurped the last sip of his third chocolate milkshake before he fell asleep with an extra crispy chicken sandwich in one hand and a burrito in the other.

Tuesday. I feel...normal. What a weird week. Studying his appearance in the bathroom mirror, Edwin noticed a few zits from all the greasy oil he had consumed, but other than that nothing else was out of the ordinary. He applied his cover up and was ready to take on the day. With the couple days he had, Edwin felt it was necessary for a night out with his number one gal. He went to his usual jeweler to pick out the best necklace, but when he handed the guy his card, the guy handed it right back. “I’m sorry, but your card is declined.”

“Impossible! Try this one.”

With a sigh, the jeweler tried the new card and again, the card was declined. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to need the necklace back.” He wrestled the necklace from Edwin’s hands.

Defeated, but not giving up so soon, Edwin called an Italian restaurant that was one town over and picked up Harley. He made sure to order something that was green and didn’t require blotting. They talked, flirt, and of course she got him checking out a waitress, but Edwin felt fine, just a little confused. Why aren’t me cards working? Did I let Harley use them on a shopping spear or something. I don’t know, I’ll just have Dad pay the balance.

After dessert, the waiter brought the check. Edwin gave him his emergency card, This card has to work. But it didn’t. He looked for the cash he usually stashes in the wallet in between cards, but it seemed to be missing. Harley, without hesitation, picked up the tab and they walked out with his tail between his legs.

Wednesday. Yawn. How can you wake up tired? Edwin tried to get out of bed, but it was like a higher force was keeping him down. He kept going in and out of sleep, each time he woke up more tired than before. He has one dream where God spoke to him again, Repent and your soul will forever be healed, but when Edwin woke up he was too tired to think clearly. Edwin tried to stay awake thinking if he could stay awake long enough, then maybe he will be awake enough to get out of bed. Yet, the Sandman got the best of him and was out like a light, again. His stomach groaned, his mouth was dry, and his sheets were covered in piss, but the more Edwin struggled to get out of bed, the longer he slept.

Thursday. What the fuck is going on! Edwin jumped out of bed and stormed to his car. Slamming the door behind him, Edwin pulled out of the driveway and sped down the street. That mother fucking bitch! Not once did she come by. Move out of the way! It’s called a blinker dumbass. Edwin weaved in and out of cars while blaring his horn and screaming. Yeah! Up yours too!

He pulled up to the daycare where Harley worked at and barged his way into her classroom. The veins in his neck bulged and his face turned a beat red when he saw his woman talking to another man. “You two timing bitch!” Edwin shouted.

Harley grabbed his arm and pulled him aside. While whispering, she replied, “Keep your voice down! You’ll wake the children.” She looked around the room to make sure no one woke up from nap time. Other than a few minor movements, all was peaceful, except for the rage in Edwin’s eyes.

“Why are you talking to that dude?”

“Cause he is my co-work? You’ve met Robert. What’s gotten into you? Not answering my calls. I stopped by yesterday, but I guess you were too busy to come to the door.”

“Stop making everything about you. You nag and nag and what do I get out of it? Just a headache. Just keep fooling around with Robert.” Harley placed a comforting hand on Edwin’s shoulder, but he just shoved her into the desk and left.

Friday. Edwin slowly opened his eyes. Sorrow quickly came over him as he recalled his strange week. His heart ached when he replayed yesterday's events. Aiming to make it up to Harley, he flooded her inbox with text messages.

I’m sorry, please answer me.

Why are you doing this to me?

Is it because I’m not as good looking as Robert?

Does he have more money? Better car? Bigger dick?

Babe I can be more like him? What can I do?

Each message went unread. Edwin drove himself crazy trying to figure out why Robert was better them him. I bet it's cause of his clean shave. Edwin took a rusty razor to his chin and deeply scraped off his stubble. With a few minor cuts and patches left behind, Edwin played with his hair. His is darker. Every drawer was open in Edwin’s search for box hair dye. With defeat, Edwin slumped on the bathroom floor before a light bulb went off in his head. He ran into the garage and searched high and low for his solution, black spray paint. The quick fixer upper wasn’t what Edwin had in mind, but he looked more like Robert. Maybe Harley will love me like she loves him.

Saturday. The black stains on Edwin’s pillow contained clumps of hair. He just stared into the mirror. His hair fell out every time he moved. His skin mimicked that of an eighty-year-old. His clothes were once the top of the line, now looked like rags. Edwin was emotionally drained and kept a calm composer. After an hour, his phone vibrated, breaking his statue like stance. “Harley, listen…”

“No you listen,” Harley barked on the other end. “I can’t keep living my life like this.”

“Please don’t do this to me. Not now. I’m sorry.” He walked towards the front of the house, away from the mirrors.

“It’s too late for that. Bye Eddy.”

Edwin couldn’t move, but just watched another patch of hair fall to the ground. As a helpless sinner, Edwin took pride in his looks, his girlfriend, and his...Shit that too. He watched as his precious car got towed. His perfect life was nothing anymore. His life was worthless and he had nothing more to live for. Edwin took one last selfie and uploaded to social media with the caption, “Changing the way I live. Permanently.” Edwin walked back into his bedroom, zombie like. Without putting any thought into it, he put in the combination to his safe and pulled out his gun. Let your sins you choose to worship take over your life. With one swift movement, Edwin’s sins covered the wall.

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