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The Hybrid Theory

A Comedy

Scene I
Act 1

[The scene opens with Mr. and Mrs. Vampwolf eating breakfast, trying to get their kids ready for school.]

Mom: Kids, it’s 6:30pm. The sun has set, and the bus will be here soon!

Dad: Get down here and eat the raw fish your mother caught for you!

Honey Woof Woof: But Mom, I have a test in blood-types tonight, and I didn’t study!

Mom: I told you over and over again to stop conditioning your body hair and get to work. Now brush your fangs and put on your cape.

Honey Woof Woof: Okay. Geez! It’s not my fault I have all this hair! I didn’t ask to be ½ werewolf!

Dad: Hey now, little Vampwolf, we come from a noble line of both werewolves and vampires. Don’t you start…..

[Just then, Wolfie Vampwolf comes running into the kitchen.]

Wolfie: Mornin’, Mom ‘n Pop. Mmmmm. Good fish, Momma. Where’s my History of Covens book?

Dad: Did you look in the den?

Wolfie: Dad, our whole house is a den!

Dad: Very funny! Now drink your blood and get ready to get on the bus!

Scene I
Act II

[Victor comes into the kitchen and takes the keys off the hook on the wall.]

Mom: Good morning, Victor. Can you please tell me what you think you are doing with those keys?

Victor: But, but, Moooom, I’m sixteen-hundred years old! Why can’t I drive to school?!

Dad: You can fly like always. We are not made of money, young man!

Victor: But all the other kids laugh at me!

Mom: Well, then those kids are not your friends if they can’t accept you for the vampire you are!

[The kids get on the bus while Victor flies away angry. Mr. and Mrs. Vampwolf sit down again to relax and eat.]

Scene II
Act I

Mom: Oh, you cooked for me today?

Dad: Yep. Made your favorite! It took me all afternoon.

Mom: Is it….?

Dad: Yes. You’re worth it, my beautiful, pale bride!

Mom: I can’t believe you made blood pie! Wow!

[She starts eating, and very quickly, she notices a long, black hair in the pie. Before she vomits, she pushes her plate away and stands up.]

Mom: Cletus, there’s a hair in my breakfast… AGAIN!

Dad: LuAnn, we aren’t going to go over this again, are we? It’s not my fault that I sometimes lose my hair these days. I’m no young pup!

Mom: I can’t help it. Sometimes… I wonder if vampires and werewolves were meant to marry….

Dad: Why, our kids are fine! We have a wonderful, safe den. You just got a deluxe coffin!

Mom: Well, I don’t know how well Victor is adjusting. He’s not a hybrid. He misses his father, you know.

Dad: Well, he was a very bad man, and I had to stake him!

Mom: I know, but bad or not, Victor thinks you did it because… you hate vampires!

Dad: Awwww, well you know that’s not true — I MARRIED ONE! And, it’s not easy!

Mom: Oh, yeah? Why?

Dad: (whining) We never get to do anything during the daytime! And, you seem addicted to the Blood Bank! Do you love your job more than me?

Mom: (frustrated) I guess so!

[She thinks about drinking him dry and being done with it, but instead she gives him a big hug.]

Mom: Oh, Darling Honeybear, I don’t mean it. You know we were meant to be together forever!

Dad: That’s my gal! You know how I’m a monster in the morning!

[They both laugh hardily and go back to eating breakfast.]

The End


Mrs. LuAnn Vampwolf — Daughter of the notorious "nos veratu" (vampire), Count Akula of Romania. She is a dead-icated wife, mother, and Blood Bank employee.

Mr. Cletus Vampwolf, II — Cousin of the elusive North American Sasquatch, who also changes form from human to animal, Cletus is a werewolf like no other. He was working with the Peace Corps in Afghanistan, when he met LuAnn, working as a Blood Bank nurse, and they’ve been in love ever since.

Victor Dracul: LuAnn’s son from a previous marriage to the evil, Transylvanian menace, Daggertooth “Dean” Dracul.

Honey Woof Woof: The Vampwolf’s hybrid redneck teenage daughter.

Wolfie Vampwolf: The Vampwolf’s hybrid son who loves to eat raw fish and to study witchcraft.

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