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Annabelle Comes Home is winding down its theatrical run after just over a month on the big screen and a successful run at the box office. The latest film in what I have personally dubbed the 'Conjuring-verse,' patent pending, Annabelle Comes Home has brought in over $70 million dollars domestically and more than $200 million dollars worldwide off a production budget reportedly less than $20 million dollars.
There is no doubt that the creators of The Conjuring, Annabelle, The Nun and whatever other possessed offshoots there are, have come up with a winning business formula. It's artistically where I have been underwhelmed by the franchise. While most audiences marvel at this most unique cinematic universe, centered upon real life con-artists, I mean 'paranormalists,' Ed and Lorraine Warren, I have been left cold.
I simply cannot take seriously a film series that relies on such a flimsy notion as ghosts who act like angry 7 year olds, slamming doors and knocking things off of tables. I have witnessed tantrums that are more terrifying than the sum of the scares in the Conjuring-verse movies. That impression did not change with the release of Annabelle Comes Home.
Annabelle Comes Home takes us inside the home of Ed and Lorraine Warren, played by Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga. Having just acquired the evil Annabelle doll and locking it away inside a blessed case in their bizarre in-home museum of evil, Ed and Lorraine are heading out for another demon fighting adventure.
The famed evil fighting couple are leaving behind their daughter, Judy (McKenna Grace) in the care of a babysitter, Mary Ellen (Madison Iseman), in what can only be described as an epic of poor decision making. Let's say that you have the largest collection of evil in one place on the planet, do you think it is a good idea to leave your child and a teenager alone with the room of evil?
Even if you trust the babysitter not to have friends over, which she does when Daniela (Katie Sarife) invites herself over, you still might want to keep the keys to the most evil spot on Earth with you when you leave. The Warrens, of course, leave the keys at home and the teens let loose the evil of Annabelle, nearly dying in the process.
What starts from there is the typical formula of lame jump scares and spooky film score that amount to the lather, rinse, repeat, formula of all of the Conjuring-verse movies. But that is not the focus of this article. What stands out about Annabelle Comes Home is not how wildly mediocre or silly the movie is but how ungodly goofy the Warren's collection of evil is when you get a good look at it.
Here are the Top 5 funniest Cursed Items in the Warren Family Museum of Evil...
5 Squeeze Box Monkey
Yes, a monkey with a squeeze box is apparently so evil that it requires a religious incantation and to be under lock in key to keep its evil contained. Granted, the squeeze box monkey or the symbol crashing monkey doll has been a creepy staple of horror movies past, there's even one in the Toy Story franchise, but that doesn't make this iteration of the scary monkey trope any less silly.
4. Television of the Future
You want scares? How about an evil television with the ability to see 10 seconds into the future. I'm not kidding, the makers of Annabelle Comes Home want you to be terrified by the idea of a television that sees a whole 10 seconds into the future. After that, you can recoil in terror at the microwave that cooks 10 seconds into the past.
3 The Spooky Typewriter
This seems actually more practical than frightening. Apparently, according to the logic of Annabelle Comes Home, this evil typewriter is a conduit for demons to speak to the living. That's not scary, that could actually aid in defusing the scares. Perhaps we can reason with the demons by typing cute messages back and forth on the old timey typewriter. Even Ol' Annabelle uses the accursed typewriter in the movie. Perhaps if someone had the wherewithal to type back, this whole movie could have been avoided.
2 Feeley Meeley
Feeley Meeley is a real board game in which items are hidden inside a box. You draw a card on top of the box and the card reveals what you need to feel around inside and search for. If you pull out an item from the box that matches your card you get a point, and so on. Terrifying, right? Apparently, this Feeley Meeley became imbued with the demon spirit of the evil hands which reach out to feel you back but only at plot convenient moments, not just whenever you play it. The game waits until someone needs to be tripped by a waiting, disembodied hand before it suddenly springs into evil action.
1 Evil Adding Machine
No joke, inside Ed and Lorraine Warren's homemade museum is an evil, accursed, adding machine. Recoil in terror as your accounting never balances due to the unending evil of the evil adding machine. Faint in horror when your taxes are cursed and you owe the IRS because of the evil adding machine. Feel your skin crawl when the day's business ends in a deficit due to the evil adding machine. This is truly the only Conjuring-verse sequel I want. You can scrap The Ferryman and cage the Hellhound, I want the Evil Adding Machine to be the next Ed and Lorraine Warren story.